What if Christian sexual morality is actually liberating?

The discussion about sexuality is more complex than ever today. We live in a time when everything seems discussable, but at the same time, young people feel more than ever that they can't do anything right. For young women, it's painfully simple: those who choose to wait with sex are quickly labeled as prudish; those who do it get the label ‘whore’. This double standard weighs heavily on shoulders that should actually still be busy discovering who they are.

On the other hand, many young men feel a different, but equally suffocating pressure. They are judged on experience – or rather: on the lack of it. ‘Never had a chance’, you hear then, as if sexual experience is a trophy you are supposed to collect to belong. It is tragic that in a society that talks so much about freedom, we simultaneously impose so much invisible coercion around something so intimate and personal.

Recent figures from Sensoa and Rutgers show that young people effectively start having sex later. Whereas in 2006 more than half of 17-18 year olds had already had sexual intercourse, today that is only 43 percent. Moreover, nine out of ten young people do so in a committed relationship. At first glance, this seems like a statistic, but it actually tells something deeper: young people have not become more promiscuous, they are more thoughtful. They seek meaning, trust, and connection.

The sexologists who in  De Morgen spoke, pointed out something important: the pressure to perform has shifted from the bedroom to the head. Young people feel enormous societal expectations, but also fear – of not being good enough, of being judged, of doing something wrong. In that vacuum of values, they seek a foothold, and perhaps that is precisely where our culture falls short.

We have forgotten that boundaries are not a prison, but signposts. The Christian morality that places sexuality within marriage is often dismissed as old-fashioned, moralistic, or oppressive. But that is a caricature. In essence, it is not about oppression, but about liberation: liberation from pressure, from fear, from the objectification that marks so many relationships. Sex within marriage is not religious coercion, but an ethical anchor. It recognizes that intimacy is something sacred – something that truly flourishes in a safe,sustainable relationship in which mutual respect is central.

Scientific research surprisingly often supports that idea. Studies from the  Journal of Marriage and Family and the  Institute for Family Studies show that couples who wait with sex until their relationship is stable report on average higher satisfaction, more trust, and less chance of infidelity. Also, the chance of depressive feelings after a breakup is significantly lower among people who experience sex within a long-term, emotionally secure context. In other words: sexual self-control is not oppressive, but protective.

That doesn't mean that those who make different choices should be condemned. On the contrary – compassion and understanding are as essential as the values themselves. But we can state that a society that loses the value of self-control simultaneously undermines the foundations of respect and commitment. When sex is decoupled from love, engagement, and fidelity, it threatens to devolve into consumption. And where consumption reigns, vulnerability disappears – the source of true connection.

The paradox is that the so-called ‘old’ Christian view might today be precisely the most liberating. It protects against abuse, against pressure, against emptiness. It doesn’t say: ‘You must not’, but: ‘You are worth more than what superficial pleasure offers you’. That is a message that young people desperately need today.

Perhaps we should therefore not smile pityingly upon hearing words like ‘chastity’ or ‘fidelity’. Perhaps these are precisely the forgotten virtues that can heal our society. Because freedom without direction is not freedom, it is aimlessness. And a society that rediscovers the sanctity of intimacy might turn out to be much freer than it ever was.