Don't just pray for change

I'm returning from vacation and after a long day, I drive straight into a traffic jam around Antwerp. Not just any traffic jam — the kind where you see the brake lights ahead of you go out before you've even come to a complete stop. My first reflex is a prayer. Quickly, between two sighs: Heavenly Father, let it not be too bad. Or let me find a detour somewhere. I hadn't finished praying yet, and I already felt it coming: this is not the only prayer that I want to pray.

Not because my question was wrong. You don't have to be afraid that you are praying incorrectly. You can go to God with everything - with a traffic jam that needs to clear, an invoice that needs to be paid, or a scan that you hope turns out well. Prayer is not an exam where you have to find the right answer. It is primarily a relationship: a way to keep your bond with God alive, to let Him know that you love Him and to align yourself with Him. From that relationship, you can ask for what you desire. But sometimes we forget animportant part of prayer. That happened to me that evening in the traffic jam.

The prayer I usually skip

I prayed again, this time differently: Heavenly Father, help me to deal with this patiently. It's just a small sentence, but the shift within it is greater than it seems. My first prayer asked for something outside of me to change: the traffic jam, the road, the circumstances. My second prayer asked for something within me to change: my patience, which — honestly — is not my strongest suit. That small willingness to deal with the situation differently myself was already a miracle in itself. Not because the traffic jam disappeared, but because for a few minutes I became a more patient person than I was before.

That is the part of prayer we easily skip. We often pray for things that are outside of us. Much less often do we ask for help with what is within us: patience, forgiveness, insight, or the courage to love someone more than comes naturally. While precisely there lies room for growth. Perhaps it is therefore good not only to ask during prayer: what needs to change? but also: what do You want to change in me?

Why that prayer matters

It is no coincidence that in this life we must learn to choose and act for ourselves. Freedom of choice is not a detail of God's plan, but a prerequisite for it. Without learning to deal with what comes our way, we cannot become who we are meant to be. God helps us in this. He provides direction through His commandments and His gospel. Christ removes what we ourselves cannot remove. But where we can act, God does not take over our choice and responsibility. He helps us to grow step by step. That is why praying forchange within ourselves is not a consolation prize for those who don't receive a greater miracle. It aligns closely with the purpose of this life: to become who God helps us to be.

The apostle Paul knew all about that. He had a “thorn in the flesh” — something that troubled him, without him precisely saying what it was. Three times he prayed that this thorn would be taken away from him. The answer was not healing, but a promise: God's grace would be enough for him and precisely in his weakness God's power could come to full fruition (2 Corinthians 12:7-9). We read something similar about the people of Alma, who suffered under a cruel oppressor. God did not immediately remove their burdens. He strengthened their shoulders, so thatthey could carry those burdens more easily (Mosiah 24:14-15). In both stories, the problem does not disappear immediately. Something changes in the people who have to bear it.

That doesn't happen by willpower alone. Paul asks for help. The people of Alma do not bear their burdens solely by their own strength, but are strengthened by God. Praying to change yourself therefore does not mean that you have to do it alone from now on. It is precisely recognizing that the power to change is something you receive, not something you have to forcefully squeeze out of yourself. As 2 Nephi 2:26-27 puts it: we are free to act and not merely to be acted upon by our circumstances. Praying for the strength to do sois therefore at least as essential as praying for different circumstances.

A shortcut is not always a greater miracle

In the movie Bruce Almighty The protagonist receives God's powers for a while. For a romantic moment, he pulls the moon closer, unaware that he is causing floods elsewhere. He sees his own desire, but not the larger whole in which that desire must find its place. My view from the traffic jam is equally limited. It's not that God wouldn't be able to make a traffic jam disappear. But perhaps He has something greater in mind than just my immediate comfort. Perhaps He also sees what that traffic jam can reveal: myimpatience, my need for control, and my tendency to view every obstacle as lost time. A shorter path is therefore not always the better path. Sometimes, growing in patience is a greater miracle than a traffic jam dissolving.

What this is not about

This is not an explanation for illness, a miscarriage, or a disaster that no one chose. It certainly does not mean that a different attitude solves such suffering. That would reduce deep sorrow to a matter of mood, and it is absolutely not. Even in severe suffering, we can ask God for strength, courage, and peace. But that makes the suffering itself no less real and does not place the responsibility for it on the one who undergoes it.

What I mainly mean here is everyday life: the traffic jam, the difficult colleague, the short temper, the old wound you'd rather cherish than let go of. There is often room to act differently yourself — and there, too, is the invitation to grow.

A prayer added, not instead of

Feel free to keep praying for what you've always asked for. Ask if the obstacle may disappear, the path may open, or the situation may change. But this week, add a second prayer alongside it. Don't just ask for the obstacle to disappear, but also what you need to bear it or deal with it differently. Ask for more patience with those who irritate you, for insight into a problem you're stuck in, for the courage to take the first step, or for the strength to love someone who doesn't make it easy for you.

I believe such a prayer is heard. Not always by a sudden turnaround, but often because we receive strength to try again. Maybe the traffic jam won't change. Maybe we will. And sometimes that's the biggest miracle.