The Search for Fire

I am a doubter, although the outside world will not label me as such, quite the opposite in fact. This is because I am not an eternal doubter, but rather the type of scientific researcher. If I want to know something, I will look at all the pros and cons, list them, weigh them, ... to then make a decision. And then that is immediately also a convinced decision, because I know that I have sufficiently investigated all sides of the coin. So call my doubt healthy instead. My environment also experiences this. You can convince mewith good arguments and at my work they also know that if I say yes, this is a reinforcing element, because my conviction of a project is based on a thorough consideration.

Two weeks ago I was baptized and the day after I was confirmed as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. At that time, I also received the gift of the Holy Spirit through the laying on of hands. I was really looking forward to it. Everyone spoke so beautifully about that moment, about the fire I would feel burning within me.

But I didn't feel that fire. I did get an enormous chill and goosebumps from head to toe. And I was moved. But I didn't feel the predicted fire, or so I thought.

On the way home, I talked about it with my wife. Had she felt the fire? Yes, even to the extent that it almost hurt, she told me. I envied her for that, and that's where the doubt began. Was my faith not strong enough? Had I not done my best?

The beginning of a new quest, the search for fire. I spoke about it with my good friend Kevin, who already gave me a good argument and gave me peace of mind that I shouldn't be worried. I needed that peace to be able to pray about it, and fortunately, that peace was soon confirmed to me by the Holy Spirit. But with that, my quest for why I hadn't felt the fire was not yet over.

For 10 days I prayed for an answer, even with the secret question of whether I might feel the fire. Piece by piece I began to feel the answer, until one morning on my way to work I was listening to a speech from the last general conference and suddenly I no longer heard the speaker's words, but instead received an explanation impressed upon my mind.

Do you know that feeling when you've taken a vigorous autumn or winter walk and you're chilled to the bone and then you stand by a burning fireplace? That warmth feels good and yet you almost feel like you're on fire yourself. It sometimes almost hurts so much that you can barely stand, but you do it anyway to enjoy it.

My wife experienced that. That is exactly the feeling she had.

But have you also experienced sitting or working comfortably in an overly warm room all day? That you are completely warmed up, down to the smallest fiber of your body? You are so warm then, that without even thinking about it, you go outside without a coat. You have enough warmth within you to brave the cold outside.

The strange thing is that when you stand by that fireplace, you don't feel the warmth itself, but suddenly get a cold shiver, from deep inside the body. A shiver that really makes you shake and gives you goosebumps from head to toe...

That is what I have experienced and now I realize how blessed I am because of it. 20 years ago, I met the Holy Spirit for the first time, who spoke to me and challenged me to seek the truth, but also to help. That search has gone through many lows and some better moments, but in all those years I have continued to pray and our Heavenly Father has regularly visited me with the Holy Spirit. I have sometimes abandoned God, but He has never given up on me. Sometimes very clearly present, often however unnoticed,the Holy Spirit has never really been far away.

And last year I knew I was at the right door, the door to the warm room, and I have been able to warm myself by the fire for a year.

Therefore, I did not feel the fire as a burning fire, but as a beneficial shiver of pleasure when I was led into the room myself. That shiver was the shedding of the last cold that had crept into my clothes.

Therefore, my doubt is also satisfied, and I now know that God exists. I know that. If you define belief as accepting something without empirical evidence, then I do not believe in God, because I know that He exists, I know that Jesus Christ is our savior. I don't have to believe that, I see sufficient evidence of it, not only in my own life but also in the testimonies I hear from my brothers and sisters.

Do I believe that 1+1 equals 2? Yes, I believe that, because I know it is true, because I have seen sufficient evidence of it. I believe that I know and I know that I believe in our Heavenly Father and in His plan of salvation for us.

I also know that Joseph Smith was a sincere prophet. My quest has allowed me to experience firsthand how meaningful Joseph Smith's quest was. I know that through his hand the gospel has been restored on earth and that this is the true church. I know that the atonement of Jesus Christ is for all of us. I am rock-solid convinced of that.